I spend a lot of time fulfilling my millennial stereotype. I love going on holiday, cutting into a perfectly poached egg, drinking overpriced alcohol, panicking about the state of the planet and struggling with my mental health.
Some people just get depression.
For anyone that knows me, I’m very much a “get up and get on with it” person, I can be very “matter of fact”, I like to keep myself busy and I consider any time spent without tangible outputs as self-indulgence to the extent of narcissism. By all accounts, my life is pretty perfect, especially looking back on last summer: I lived with my friends, I was really enjoying my new job, I had a couple of summer holidays planned, a super busy social life and I was managing to go to the gym regularly. So why wasn’t I happy?
As someone that gets excited about my next meal, its only on reflection that I realise how numb I had become, I wasn’t looking forward to anything, I wasn’t looking forward at all. I wasn’t happy at work but I also wasn’t sad. I couldn’t face the thought of thinking about tomorrow, never mind the weekend or the holiday my friends had booked. I was completely closed off to all emotion, then one day I began to cry.
Initially, as someone that “doesn’t cry”, I was glad! At least this means I’m feeling something and I’m not a robot anymore. People talked about having a “good cry”, it was cathartic and it had been so long since I cried I couldn’t remember how good it felt, so I let myself cry and keep crying. I cried on my way to work, I cried in the bathroom at work, I cried on my way home from work. It’s pretty hard to describe the all-encompassing sadness and the self-loathing that made me want to escape my own body, there was nobody I wanted to run away from more than myself; yet I knew I didn’t deserve that freedom. There was no trigger, simply speaking, I was just sad. I once told my manager I had food poisoning because its all I could get out when he asked how my weekend was. I cried myself to sleep hoping I wouldn’t wake up. I cried when I woke up because I woke up. I’d meet friends and be unable to speak for fear I’d cry (I can’t cry in front of people), so I stopped arranging to see them. One Sunday, my housemate got home from being away for the weekend and asked me what I’d been up to, I realised I hadn’t left my bed all weekend, I hadn’t even eaten (I really like food). “Nothing”, I cried. I tried to justify that people our age spend their weekends in bed watching Netflix, I just wasn’t watching Netflix, I was crying. The thing is, crying is exhausting and self indulgent. I realised something had to change as going on holiday like this would not be an effective use of my time or money. So I “got on with it” and booked an appointment at the doctors, we talked through my options, I’m now on antidepressants and go to regular counselling. Depression is expensive.
And Lizzie lived happily ever after.
Unfortunately, the problem with mental health is that it doesn’t work quite like that. Spending all day in bed was not a “turning point” or even a “rock bottom”, antidepressants aren’t “happy pills” and counselling hasn’t uncovered and resolved any childhood trauma. Nothing tangible has changed, I still live with my friends, enjoy my job and have a busy social life. I have days when I wonder am I even ill? Maybe I should stop taking these pills? Have I over reacted? Am I just fulfilling my (millennial) stereotype? But then I also have days where I struggle to get dressed in the morning, I cry in the lift at work, speaking feels near impossible and I feel absolutely nothing. The numbness is worse than the pain.
Some people just have depression.
Naturally, my way of coping with my snowflake affliction is by fulfilling other millennial cliches, some of my favourites include:
· Setting myself achievable goals (e.g. made it to work and stayed there the whole day)
· Plan for the week, or the day, or the next hour. Then put it in a list and tick them off. Well done, you made it to lunch having only eaten 2 biscuits. Tick.
· Following this, know the difference between urgent and important.
· Communicate, especially with your team. Let them know where you need help, email them a list at the start and end of every day if you need to.
· Acknowledging positive feedback. This is very much still a “work in progress” for me as I find positive feedback less constructive, whereas “areas for improvement” are exactly that. But I guess I can admit I’m okay at some things.
· Exercise
· Try and think of 3 good things that have happened everyday
· Outside space- seaside, mountains, hills, Victoria park, leather lane… just go outside.
· Earl Grey Tea (and biscuits)
· Seeing my friends (I’m still very extroverted)
· Reason’s to Stay Alive, Matt Haig. Buy and read it now, this man is significantly more articulate than me.
· Eating kids food- fish fingers, peas, baked beans, banana and honey on toast, yoghurts in weird shaped packaging, broccoli. Eating just makes me happy. Cooking. Cooking for other people. Baking. I really like food.
· Knitting (or other similar, very repetitive tasks like chopping vegetables)
· Inspirational quotes e.g. “Things aren’t going to get worse. There is only upwards from here.” Please nobody buy me a “Live, Laugh, Love” picture frame.
· Sunshine (& beer gardens)
· Giving blood- you don’t have to speak to anyone, you sit in a chair for an hour and get free snacks. Not all heroes wear capes. Register here.
· Donate to a charity- I give £3 a month to WWF, let me know if you have any good polar bear names.
· Dogs & babies- they literally need you to feed them and can’t run away when you hug them, unconditional love guaranteed and they don’t tell your secrets to other people or judge you for them.
· Write down the ideas you have at 3am. They’ll make you laugh in the morning.
· Holidays- how have I got this far down my list without mentioning holidays!? But I love the doing stuff kind of holidays (god forbid you go on holiday and don’t achieve something, getting dressed is still an achievement- see first point)
Things I try to avoid:
· The big questions- What makes me happy? What do I want from life? Where will I be 5 years from now? Where will I be 12 months from now? All far too terrifying for a Tuesday morning in March.
· “Friends” that wouldn’t do for you, what you would do for them
· Public transport late on a Sunday evening especially if it’s a rail replacement service
· Making plans for more than 5 nights a week
· Overindulgence. This one is really hard. I have had multiple migraines inflicted by eating too much cheese.
